Howlin'
Humor
Many
of these were originally posted on USENET, but are archived here
for
longer lasting pleasure. Suggestions are
always welcome.
Why don't Dogs use computers?
TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,
( Too Hard To Type With Paws.)
Ever wonder if your dog was bilingual?
The 10 Commandments According to Fidonai, our God
(Dogs'
Letters to God addresses questions not covered here)
1.Thou
shalt have no other Dogs before me. (Chewish doggies would go around and spread the word of Dog by woofing it all night. This was called the Bark of the Covenant, and the dogs that did the woofing would woof until they foamed at the mouth, so they were called Rabies.) |
Question: What
is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
Answer:
A
Rottweiler
Q: What's
the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go...
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say; "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot; "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," Said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot; "What is your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That is a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Australian Shepherd: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Jack Russell Terrier: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Bulldog: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.
Pomeranians don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.
Pug: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Afghan: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
Standard Poodle: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out. Then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.
Cat:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Proposed Dog Breeds:
(passed
along to me by my belly-rubbing buddy Jon Fox)
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso ,
a dog that folds up for easy traNsPort
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a
Dog that throws up a lot
Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore ,
a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a
traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Tesrrier = Blue
Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs,
a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso,
an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish
Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab
Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound
Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull,
a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador ,
a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point,
owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute ,
a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a
dog that's true to the end
(NOTE: If you cross a Maltese with any other breed, it's a Maltese Cross)
For more humor try Bow-Wow: Dog Tales, The Dog Hause Funny Animal Stuff, Shooter's Humor Page, Fuzzy Faces Dog Humor, Dog Humor & Quotes, or Gene's Dog Humor Page
This way to Dog Cartoons, or this way to Pick a Hooman...