|
21LoveRX Intro, Instructions on How to Write In
Related Books:
Related Websites:
|
"K" Asks: Back in mid-August 99, I met this woman at church college youth group (she's 22, I'm 25) We talked now and then, and about a month later, I asked her out. The date went great, and afterwards I talked about planning another, and then she told me that she didn't know, that she had some issues she was trying to work out in her life, that she has fears of relationships, and that she didn't think she was ready to get into any relationship at that time. I said that was fine and we stayed friends after for months. I would hang out at her place several times a week (she still lives at home, as do I). or we'd go, ice skating, movies, star gazing with telescope, dancing. She would call me too and ask me to do things. It was a two way thing. We have the same kind of interests, attitude, beliefs and style so it was wonderful. However everything wasn't always perfect, she seemed to nit-pick everything I did. She would criticize me and be impatient with me over little things. She would say she was being "sarcastic" but it never felt that way to me. Sometimes she just felt harsh. I would sometimes give her a hug after one of our nights together, but her reaction back never really seemed genuine to me. During all this friendship time I found out a lot of the issues she has. She told me at times that she "doesn't know why anyone would love her". That "she thinks all relationships are bad", and she "fails at everything". She seems to always feel guilty about everything. There can be times when she is really down on herself, "I'm so stupid", "I'm so lame" and "I look hideous" kind of statements. Of course I always said she was silly for saying that. I always encouraged her, always was patient with her. Her past relationships, were never that great, but one guy she fell totally in love with, though they never had sex, since we share the same ideals to have sex only after marriage. Anyway, her relationship with this guy was never good, he manipulated her, and they argued all the time. She eventually broke it off and told me it was the hardest thing she ever had to go through and that she doesn't know if she can ever love someone like that again. She had a few boyfriends after that, but nothing really worked. At the end of January, she said she was "sorry for the way she treated me at times, and she loves doing things with me but she doesn't want to feel like she was leading me on. That she could imagine us getting married, and it being great, but she doesn't think she could feel that way towards me." She then said "I understand if you never want to talk to me again". Well, inside I was crushed, because I my feelings for her had become much deeper. I told her that "I thought that there was something good between us, but if that's the way she feels then I understood." She then told me the next day that she hadn't been"fully honest". That she guess she would like to try and start dating. She then told me that the other night when she said those things to me about her feelings, she acted confident, but she was afraid of getting into a relationship or getting more physical with me because that would mean "getting emotionally involved". That she too thinks it could be good if we got together. I told her we would take baby-steps in the relationship. I had called her, almost every night. She always was glad I called, but I decided to slow it down a bit so I skipped a night. Then at the end of the week, we had a fun evening out together, then she admitted she was feeling bad that one night because I hadn't called, and that she enjoyed talking to me. Then, a couple days later , she said she worried about us. She didn't exactly say why but she didn't want me talking about this girl I work with. (Which I did only because it was part of my day) I figured she was feeling a little jealous about it, so I took the hint. She also mentioned other little things here and there that struck me as her being a bit insecure about our relationship. This always surprised me somehow, because it always felt like she was holding back in our relationship. She waited weeks to tell some of her friends that we were dating. About a week after Valentine's Day. she told me that she could start to see her self loving me like she loved her last (and only real) boyfriend. And that she was afraid, and it she was having a hard time being trusting/vulnerable with me. We talked about it and I assured her it would be ok. She cried and we cuddled and talked the rest of the night. I still didn't kiss her at this point. She never really seemed receptive to one... and I didn't want to push things for her fears of "getting physical." Things more or less went pretty good for the next few weeks. At times she still would be harsh on me, criticizing me, sometimes UN-reciprocating of my love to her. And yet she seemed always glad to see me, and always missed me etc. I was always there for her, helped her with most anything. I want you to realize that she is harsh and critical to a lot of people... not just to me. By March, things should have been progressing and were not. I had only kissed her on the cheek at this point. Her critical nature seemed to get only worse. Whenever I would compliment her she would always argue or think I was just "saying that". She would always say to me that "I was too good for her". April 1, she broke up with me. We had a camping trip planned the next week and she told me that she thought that would be romantic and she thought it might be weird. She told me that she thought she would have feelings at this point but didn't. She said she wasn't sure. She told me the typical stuff of what a great guy I am and all that. *** The following weeks after she told me she wished if she knew if she did the right thing. She totally has become painfully aware of how she treated me when we were together. She *really* acts considerate towards me now. She is always totally glad when I call. We both have learned a lot about ourselves since the breakup. Unfortunately for me, the breakup was *VERY* hard on me. I totally love this woman. I've learned that I probably was trying too hard. Just because I see eye to eye with her on all levels, value, beliefs, interests, personality type, attitude. I question sometimes her reasons for breaking up... I still don't completely understand. --Was it her fears? Was it her not being attracted to me? Her self-esteem issues?? --I want to talk to her about all this! Is that appropriate?? I feel we can talk to each other about almost anything. --It would be my hope, that at some point in time, that we could try again. Is this possible?? Yet, I don't want to hang on for years and years and then have her marry someone else. --Why do I feel like we rushed into breaking up??? ... I feel we should have addressed and worked on the issues instead. --Can I at least discuss getting back together?? I almost feel I have to try. I *don't* want to rush right back into things though at this point. What would I say?? I can't imagine anyone being more patient with her. I just see sooooo much good in this relationship. When its good its soo great. There were wonderful connections we have and still make. --What would allow her to have feelings towards me? --Is there anything I can do to help her even if we never get back together?? It pains me to see her feel this way towards herself. I love her so much I still want to see her happy. -- I just don't want to throw away something that I see could be so great over nothing. I think its worth a second chance. --- Please help! I'm desperate for some insight!
To K: Truthfully, I don't think either you or this girl have learned as much as you think. She is definitely giving you wildly mixed up messages about how she feels towards you despite what you describe as top quality treatment, and you are allowing her to drag your heart all over the place. You have to let this girl go from your life. It's really hard to admit sometimes when someone just isn't in the same place you are emotionally, especially when other things in the relationship seem to be exactly what you want. Don't wait to get beat over the head again and again to learn something that should be obvious, even though it's not what you want to see or hear. To paraphrase/quote the wise, great lady poet Maya Angelou-- "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." This girl is in a comfortable relationship with self-hatred that she doesn't want to let go of, and that doesn't leave any room for you or anyone else, for that matter.. The best thing you can do for her is be a friend and tell her that you think she needs to seek some professional help to deal with issues as complex as the ones she discussed with you, because you want her to be happy, and there is no way that she will ever be happy with you or anyone until she is happy with herself. YOU need to stop being a doormat, and allowing anyone to treat you that way, let alone swearing eternal devotion to them even as they do it. Someone who loves you will not treat you as this girl did. Someone who is a real friend will not treat you as this girl did. This girl can neither love you or be a true friend because she does not love herself, and will, therefore, not be able to give you pretty much anything of what you are looking for. You deserve to receive treatment on par with the level on which you give, which, from what you described is pretty high. I suggest you ask youself why you were so willing, eager, even anxious to accept so much less, and you might find a few issues of your own that need confronting. So many people fall in love with possibility, but that is an illusion that can only persist for so long, and when it crashes, crashes hard into despair and shattered dreams. True love comes from falling in love with the reality that lies right in front of you, because then and only then do you know that what you have is real. Real love doesn't cause pain and make you anxious; it fills you with peace and joy. Real love doesn't suck or drain your spirit--it gives you energy to take on the world. What you had with this girl seems to me more like a codependent situation where the actions of one of you fed into something the other desperately needed, and vice versa. This does not even begin to approach love at all, and in my opinion, is not worth any more of your time. I believe that every relationship we have in our lives serves a purpose in terms of our spiritual development. I will suggest that the reason you met this girl is because your spirit meeting her spirit at this moment in time gave you both a chance to learn from the experience. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him, or in this case, her, drink. She has already shown you over and over again that she is not ready to face the negative issues that she allows to run her life. Like someone who says they need to lose weight, and then don't do anything about it, she will confront her situation when she is REALLY ready, not just when she complains about it, or uses it as an excuse for whatever, etc. Regardless of where she is and what she does, you need to take care of yourself. It is now up to you what you do with the information you have collected from your expereinces in this relationship. You owe it to yourself to find the courage to face the difficult truths about yourself that led you to this situation, and to grow into someone who will find and can sustain a healthy relationship the next time around. Some of the books I have suggested have some thought-provoking asssertions that I think you will find relevant to your journey. I wish you luck. I'm not saying that what I'm telling you to do is easy-- excavation of self never is--but I will tell you that it's worth it, because it's the only way for your spirit to heal its past wounds and to recover its power so you can be the wonderful being the Universe, or God, if you prefer, intended you to be. |
