Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house 
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

The solution -

THE STRESS DIET

You might have to modify this for vegetarian lifestyles, but not much....

This diet is especially designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

BREAKFAST

1/2 Grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz. skim milk

LUNCH

4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK

Rest of the Oreos in package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Nuts, cherries, whipped cream

DINNER

2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
Lg sausage/mushroom/cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher beer (or Soft Drink or Malted Milk, as preferred)
3 Milky Way candy bars

LATE EVENING NEWS SNACK

Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
2-3 glasses wine

RULES FOR THIS DIET

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, the calories don't count if you don't eat any more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, buttered toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you're thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because, rather than being part of one's personal fuel, they are part of the entire entertainment package. Movie-related foods include Giant-sized Soft Drinks, Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich, and ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistacio ice cream; beets and cherry licorice; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.