I don't just want to be an actress. For one thing, I don't want to limit myself by defining myself by my work, and even at that, actress is only one of several "names" that could be applied to my working life. I want to fill my life with verbs. I want to act. I want to write. I want to be a friend. I want to love. I want to create. I want to spend my life alternating between intense periods of doing, and intense periods of being. To act, one must live and interpret. The process is a way of life. I want to act in independent films mainly because I am drawn to help those who have a strong desire to help themselves, and indie filmmakers do nothing if not hold on to their dreams and work their tails off to make them into reality. Why not theater or TV? Film is magical to me. Ever since I was a little kid, I was captivated by the movies I would watch--in the theaters and on television. Visual artistry affected me as a child, but the full impact of what I had experienced didn't even hit me until years later when I saw the movies again with a better understanding of the method of the magic. Maybe it's the natural human impulse to want to be a voyeur...to look into places where we're not supposed to....but my favorite kinds of films are the kind that make you feel as if you have a special vantage point, looking through a peekhole of someone else's life and living and breathing every moment with them. As an actor, I have the ability to let people experience that kind of suspended reality..the joy...the rush...that sense of intense being...that they don't usually allow themselves to experience in real life. That is the gift I am lucky enough to have to give the world.The web has changed a lot of things. In a way, this web site is like a movie--a virtual movie of a real and virtual life, unfolding with twists and turns in the plot, with stakes that continue to build and emotions that get even more intense as I mature and have a better control and feeling for my body--in a physical, emotional and spritual sense. No actor can be truly great until they are in their 30's--it really takes that long to get the kind of depth as a person that is truly that interesting. That level is what I'm shooting for, and I suspect that sometime in the next decade I will know if I will ever achieve it. I know it when I see it in others, I only hope I can find the capacity in myself to reach that far. Right now, I know I am good for someone my age. It took me a few years and a lot of class work, but I feel confident now that I am as good at what I do as any of my contemporaries. Next comes the work to make it available to the world.You are my audience. You have a expressed a desire to experience me--some via mail, some just by showing up. This web site is your window. Through a film or this site, I am giving you all of myself. Yes, within that definition of myself is the pain and suffering of not knowing how and not knowing when dreams will convert to reality. Yes there is even the occasional doubt of if anything that is dreamed will ever happen. But to quote an old friend, "I want to believe". I am unable to live my life any other way. It took me a few years to acknowledge that I had talent--I mean really know it deep in my heart, not just think it, or pay it lip service. I went to an Ivy League school. I was always considered "smart". In terms of careers, I probably could have been anything I wanted to be. I chose to follow my heart--that's just how I've always lived my life. Most of my friends from school are highly paid profesionals at prestigious companies or institutions. My choosing the path of an artist didn't exactly fit the mold, and people didn't quite know what to make of it. It's hard for people not in the business to think of acting as work, but it is a REAL job--a fun job, but a job nonetheless, especially in the early stages when you spend most of your time trying to get work. Yet I would be asked not how was my job going, but "How's the acting thing.?" "Thing?" As you can imagine I was thrilled at being taken so seriously. It was hard for me to believe in myself when other people--friends and family who I cared about, couldn't support me, not because they didn't want to, but because they didn't understand how their own silent predjudices could hurt me.One incident stands out in my mind as a turning point. My parents had come to LA and came to one of my acting classes to watch. Valerie Harper, who is a friend of my acting teacher's, also happened to be visiting class that night. Maybe it's because Valerie, my teacher, and my parents were the only people in the room around the same age, but my parents and Valerie starting talking. And I owe Valerie for that night, becuase she stayed out in the parking lot with my parents for almost 45 minutes that night--telling them how I needed them to believe in me--how I need their support ...that I was good and all I needed from them was to know they they were 100% behind me, etc---everything I had wanted to say but didn't know how. I'm not even sure it would have had the same impact coming from me. But Thank God for Valerie. For a woman who was so successful, she must never have forgotten what it felt like to be where I was--I heard it in her voice that night. And she saw a chance to spare me some unnecessary pain--and cared enough to try. I honestly wasn't there for everything she said, I only heard a little, but my parents attitude completely changed that night. You have to understand--my parents were great--they supported me coming out to the West Coast, they sent me money every month, they even showed interest in what I was doing. But what I needed most from them was to understand how much my decision to do this meant to me, and that it was a decision for life--not a phase that I would pass through on my way to something more "normal" to them. My parents had accepted me as a freak--and they loved me anyway--but they loved the Me that I actually was, not the Me their Daughter who they had envisioned being this, that, or the other thing as I was growing up.The business of acting involves a lot of rejection. If it weren't for my family, my husband (who loved me as the crazy person I am from day one--which is why we married so young--I wouldn't advocate that for everyone!!) and believe it or not--all of you--it would be hard to keep a positive outlook in the face of some very tough circumstances. I read all the mail I get from this web site, and I can't tell you how many times I've had a real downer of a day and I get a letter from someone telling me how touched they were by something on my web site...that I'm beautiful..that I've changed their opinion of the web for the better....these little things matter so much and I thank all of you for helping me get through all of this. This web site is a work in progress, as it is a reflection of my life. So expect some randomness. And a lot of fun. I am a Sagittarian, after all. I hope to share the joy of success with you sometime soon. Thank you for seeing me through the challenges. I only hope this web site will somehow affect you at a time when you need it to and I can return the favor. As always, I'll keep you posted...

Caryn