Wed, Sept. 4

I still feel a little dazed.The Queen of Hearts they called her. Lady Di. Princess. Whatever they called her, they always called her with love in their hearts.

Last weekend had been awful. My wedding anniversary was Fri night, and what had started as a personal vacation ended up turning into a dire emergency business meeting for my husband that took him away all day Saturday into Sat night, and had pretty much been a cloud hanging over our heads the evening before as well--despite our best attempts not to let it affect us. Sat night I was depressed and anxious about what kind of trauma into which my life was heading. Emotionally, I was a wreck and seeing the guy I love in as bad or worse shape than me made me even more sad and left me feeling even more helpless to do anything about it. Thank God I was in San Francisco--the home of my heart--for surely my experience was helped along by just so close to my main energy source of this earth. I was with a friend who was housesitting in Pacific Heights, and another friend who had joined us just for the evening.

But time stopped at the corner liquor store when my friends and I went in to get another bottle of wine at about 10:30 or so at night. The guy at the counter said it. I said, "Nuh-uh!!" totally thinking his English was bad and I had misheard him.

Minutes later when returned home and flipped on the TV, we saw for ourselves. It was obvious from the car that it was bad. Three passengers had died; the one who was lucky enough to have lived got his face smashed. It's ugly. For a lot of reasons. Two kids without a mother. A 36 year old woman, who had been through hell but was on her way back, dead. My friend I was staying with is 35, and her mother died when she was around 13 I think. Our other friend's mother had died under weird circumstances when she was a freshman in college. It all hit a little close to home. There were a lot of tears shed that night. About Di. And moms. And horses even. And even with all of that--there was so much more that just couldn't be expressed. Life's cruelty just can't be condensed that way--same as its joy. Some days you wonder if it's all worth it--and on other days, dreams come true and you get to dance with John Travolta. Life itself is a strange dance with an equally strange path, but however she danced,Diana always did it with grace. My mom, thankfully is very much alive. I became aware of the grace of her continued presence here starting from high school on, when some of my friends and acquiaintances lost one or both parents and having parents no longer seemed like quite so much of a given. Not to mention that my mother had a heart attack last year. Seeing as she's 5'8, 130something pounds, doesn't smoke or drink etc. it was kind of a shock to see the world in all its randomness and realize that there is no such thing as immunity. Life progresses on it own schedule, not the ones we try to impose on it. Now with no permanent damage and the faulty heart valve that caused the trouble repaired, she is the picture of health again--better--since recuperation actually forced her to work out for the first time in her life. But what about Prince William and Prince Harry? Who's going to watch out for them? The Royal Family is the coldest, most repressed family I've ever seen--sense of duty not withstanding. It's not human and it's not healthy. They almost destoyed Diana, who was 20 when she started to be involved with them full-time. These kids are 12 and 15. Will they have the strength to fight for their right as individuals to self-expression--as Diana surely would have encouraged? Will they have the strength to look into the eyes of their someday-brides-to-be and say I love you, and not only be totally comfortable saying it, but actually understand what that means? Or was it only in death that Diana could have the power to guide the boys through the changes that are to come... after all, she now has been canonized. Is that why this happened now--just when things were looking up for her? Her star has never shone brighter and now it will never fade. Dignity, compassion and triumph over adversity are forever etched into a beautiful 36 year old face. The Royal Family might have fought the woman. No way can they fight the legend.

Thurs, Sept 5

It's Thursday now. I'm still crying when I think about it. So unfair. No doubt she was happy seconds before her death--it appears she had just been proposed to at dinner. A chance to start over. A chance to finally be happy. A chance she never got because the events of a split second or two stole it away from her. If only. If only the driver hadn't been drinking. If only the paparazzi had a sense of humanity. If only Diana had just been wearing her seat belt. Split second decisions- a lifetime of regret for many millions. Oh yeah, I'm still crying.

I was a child who saw Cinderella come to life when she married her Prince and watching wide-eyed I think I truly believed that fairy tales could come true. Then I watched as the Prince was revealed to be a toad, and felt sorry for Diana that she had to kiss the wrong one--especially given the in-laws. To see someone suffer who herself gave so much to help ease people's suffering was particularly numbing. But the absolute injustice of what went down the other night is mind-boggling. It didn't say anything in those books about this. What happened to happily ever after? Cinderella wasn't supposed to find a bracelet inscribed to another woman proclaiming love always from her Prince, but she made a valiant effort to deal with that, and got past it when all else failed. Don't tell me now that Cinderella dies just as real love finally is in her grasp. It was pretty harsh to realize that the Grimm Brothers stepsisters had their eyes eaten out by crows. Where to find comfort in a world where stories end this way...

Fri, Sept 6

Late tonight/early AM tomorrow it will be time to say goodbye. I feel a little better knowing that Mother Teresa has left to go look after her friend.

I loved Princess Diana because she was a single ray of light that connected so many distant and disenfranchised souls to hope and goodness and compassion. The world was a little better for her being there. And no doubt it is a little colder now. Many nations mourn. How can they honor the memory of a woman such as this one? By showing tolerance for others' differences, and compassion for others' struggles. Honesty in recognizing one's own areas of weakness, Perserverance enough to set about thework of overcoming them. Courage in the face of adversity, Rebelliousness in the face of sanctioned injustice. She touched people--friends, family, people she just met, people she never even met.